FIRST FIVE MINUTES MOVIE REVIEW: SILENT NIGHT (2012)

This is the first installment of my horror movie review series, First Five Minutes. The deal is: I could only stand to watch the first five minutes, give or take, of these movies. So, they are not full reviews, and hell, some of these could be the best damn movies ever, after the first five minutes. If so, tell me. I'm aces at fast-forwarding. But you have to provide your residential address too, so I can haunt your life if you're wrong. First up, Silent Night (2012)

So, they went and did it again. Made a remake of a B horror movie from the eighties. Can't they just leave my lovable, furry B movies alone? They're never going to get it right. Now, I can't actually remember if I saw the original Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), but I must have, right? The video cover image was always so enticing: Santa's arm coming out of a snowy chimney, big shiny ax in hand. 

Love it. But this cult classic may have eluded me for some reason...perhaps I was resistant to letting go of the Santa Claus I knew and loved? 

The remake stars Jaime King, who has become a bit of a horror movie queen, (check out my Mother's Day Movie Review) but I daresay she's heading down the wrong path with this one. Silent Night opens with a screaming woman in lingerie, cut to electrocuted guy in tree lights, throw in a couple pervy Santas (and a priest), a painfully overacting Malcolm McDowell, odd crime-scene music (wait...am I watching Murder She Wrote?), nooooooooooooooo, stop!!! The wood chipper was pretty cool, though. Isn't it always? That scene's a bit further in, if you can stand it.  

I like Jaime King. And the movie-poster art for this one is actually pretty decent, too. Otherwise, I suggest digging up the original to watch, which is what I'm going to do. Or better yet, how about reenacting the original? I'll bring the popcorn and the plastic tarps, but I can't promise I'll stay for more than five minutes.  


Disclaimer: Is there a chance that some of the film grievances mentioned are throwbacks to the original? Yes, but I did read that this is a "loose" remake, so unlikely. But I'll let you know. Or, you can let me know.   



  

EVIL DEAD 2013 REDBAND TRAILER

Okay, here's the Evil Dead remake trailer - the gory Redband version. I was verrrryyyy annoyed but not too surprised upon hearing they were taking another hack at it. The original is perfection, a classic. Why mess with a classic? Because there's big money to be made, of course. I do appreciate that it's not PG-13 and rumor has it that the movie was originally NC-17. Me likey! Due out in April. What'cha think? No Bruce Campbell, no way! Or, a twist on my all time favorite movie, yes please!

"THE LAST BULLY" - FLASH FICTION BY BECK SHERMAN

The Last Bully by Beck Sherman

Lightning flashed. For one brief second, everything was illuminated. And my life was never the same.

Because I’d seen them.

We stood facing each other, a strange dance of stillness. They hated me, for in that one brief bright second, they saw the repulsion in my eyes, and they only ever wanted to fit in. The geeks, the nerds, the outcasts, the bullied - some of them were very different after all, not even of this world - and here they were before me, human skins shed, ready to move on.

The storm flashed again, lighting up the sixties facade of Garrick High. Inside, hallways down which bullies once roamed were now where they slid and stuck and stank as blood and viscera. In the end, could one kind word have saved them?  

The Geeks moved forward. Toward me. As one. I blinked and they were only inches away. Their breath was a gale on my face. It smelled sweet. Sticks and stones made cracking noises as they dislodged from the frozen ground around us and flew up into the night sky. No time was wasted before they were directed at me. The pain was excruciating. Unlike anything I had ever experienced. My life had once been lucky. Lots of friends. Nice car. Football-star boyfriend. Ten thousand followers on Twitter. The opportunity to partake in the taunt of a geek to make myself feel better on gloomy days. Bullying was like a drug, and we all wanted more.

And more.

Now everything that mattered was gone, and I was being broken limb by limb - like a marionette being retired. A stone hit my head, knocking me to the ground. Others dented me, bruised me, cut me. My spilled blood made designs on the surface of the snow. A squirrel. A dog. A bear. It was over, and it was all my fault.

“Sorry,” I managed, through broken teeth and ripped mouth.

The whoosh of air from that last stick is the song in my sleep. 
   
Today, I’m alive, but dead. People cross the street when they see me coming. I tell myself they want to give me space, that they’re being kind, but I know that’s not it. My new skin is my over-sized hoodie. The sweatshirt shows none of me, hides all of me. That’s just the way it is now. 
     
I am the last bully. 



Background

This was written for a flash fiction challenge as part of Blogger Book Fair 2013 and first appeared on Thomas Winship's blog here: 

http://www.vaempires.com/the-blogger-book-fair-day-1-flash-fiction-by-beck-sherman

All pieces had to begin with the first sentence: Lightning flashed. For one brief second, everything was illuminated. And my life was never the same.

I wasn't able to get that sentence out of my head and when I put fingers to keys this dark story spilled out.  

BLOGGER BOOK FAIR 2013: JASON ANDREW BOND INTERVIEW

Okay, you guys ready? Let's kick off the 4th day of BBF with an interview with horror writer, Jason Andrew Bond. 

Here's the preview: Leatherface, Chainsaw art, sectioned bits, and a message to couch potatoes. Enjoy.

"Hi, Jason!"

"Hi!" 

"Down to it."



1. What’s your favorite scary movie?

 Alien.  The first one was the best one.  The tension and discovery of the creature as the story progresses is so great.

2. Do you own a chainsaw? Do you know how to use it?

I grew up in the mountains in Oregon.  While I don't have one right now, I could probably carve a bear out of a log with some trial and error.  :)

3. If you had to kill someone, how would you do it, and where would you bury the body?

The secret to getting away with murder is the lack of physical evidence. Crimes of anger, etc spray evidence everywhere. Be calm is the first step. Collect the person (who obviously deserved it for doing some horrible wrong and sliding through a corrupt/weak/ineffective system) and get them to go calmly along with you. After the act the body should be sectioned into small bits that can each be fully encased in concrete. (Note this should be done in a location that cannot be traced to you or the victim (who deserved it don't forget). Once the bits are encased they should be taken out into the ocean and dropped off the continental shelf.  No body... EVER.  :)

4. If you could meet one fictional horror character (from a book or movie), who would it be and why? What would you ask them?

I'd want to ask the giant spider from Stephen King's It why he had to ruin a perfectly good novel.  :)

5. You’re driving through a forest at night. A woman leaps out through the trees and frantically waves her arms for you to stop the car. She’s covered in blood. Do you stop?

No, I slow down, grab her and pull her onto my lap and tear off into the night.  Why the hell do people get out of their car, stop see if everyone's okay?  Let's have a conversation!  Meanwhile the girl is screaming and yelling that we have to run.  I have news for you.  A girl covered in blood tells me to run, I'm gonna be OUT OF THERE.  NOW!  :)

6. What are you most scared of? And you lose a limb if you say clowns, spiders, or heights.

Dying without having truly lived.  Get up off the couch folks.  You only have so many heartbeats left.

7. I had a British woman say to me once that she thinks it best to stay away from horror writers because there must be something wrong with them. Weigh in.

It's all about catharsis.  Yes, horror writers are twisted, but they are getting out the problem through writing.  Don't fear those exorcising their demons, fear those who are keeping them bottled up.

8. Favorite death in a horror movie?

Oh man, Texas Chainsaw when we first see Leatherface.  That's how death would be, quick.  Bam Thump! and you're gone and dragged into the back.  I don't like dragged out fight scenes.  There's not a lot of tension in fight scenes.  We're just waiting to see who wins.  The tension is what happens before the axe falls.

9. Have you ever hitchhiked? If yes, who picked you up?

No, but I sure as hell wouldn't give 'em my zip code if you know what I mean. :P  Anyone?  ... Hello?  :)

10. What’s your latest release? Describe it in one word, and give us that Amazon link already!

Mortal Remains.  One word: Ascent.  

Buy it on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Mortal-Remains-ebook/dp/B009D18U86/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t 

Thank you, Jason, for stopping by!

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BLOGGER BOOK FAIR 2013: WILL MILLAR INTERVIEW

Okay, you guys ready? Let's kick off the 3rd day of BBF with an interview with horror writer, Will Millar. 

Here's the preview: Hedge trimmers, electronic-toothbrush orgasms, Han Solo, and eyeball gouging. Enjoy.

"Hi, Will!"

"Hi!" 

"Down to it."


1. What’s your favorite scary movie?

That’s a hard one to answer, and it varies greatly, depending on my mood. Today I’d say Suspiria, but I might have a different answer tomorrow. 

2. Do you own a chainsaw? Do you know how to use it?

No, but I own an electric hedge trimmer. It looks sort of like a chainsaw if you squint your eyes a little, stand really far back and try to ignore the bright orange extension cord. When you turn it on it makes this really high pitched humming sound that probably isn’t going to instill terror in anybody, either.

3. If you had to kill someone, how would you do it, and where would you bury the body?

It depends on the person – Do they deserve to die? I’d probably get pretty squeamish about the deal unless they were a truly terrible person, like a despot or a pop music producer. Then, if that was the case, I’d have to go with my patented semi-automatic laser guided porcupine cannon. As for burying the body, you can’t go wrong with a “purloined letter” approach. Buy one of those life sized Han Solo Carbonite slabs, hollow the sucker out, stuff your dead body in there and then display it proudly on your front lawn.

4. If you could meet one fictional horror character (from a book or movie), who would it be and why? What would you ask them?

I’d ask Dawn O’Keefe if she ever had an orgasm from an electronic toothbrush.

5. You’re driving through a forest at night. A woman leaps out through the trees and frantically waves her arms for you to stop the car. She’s covered in blood. Do you stop?

It’s okay to do one of those sliding roll-stops. People screw up when they get out of the car and say something dumb like “My God! Are you alright? What happened?” That’s how you get your head cut off. Just pop the passenger door open long enough for her to hop in and then hammer the gas like a motherfucker. And whatever you do, never say “Everything is going to be okay now.” Or even worse, “You’re safe.”

6. What are you most scared of? And you lose a limb if you say clowns, spiders, or heights.

I’m afraid of randomly losing limbs during interviews.

7. I had a British woman say to me once that she thinks it best to stay away from horror writers because there must be something wrong with them. Weigh in.

It sounds to me like she was trying to flirt with you. 

8. Favorite death in a horror movie?

Lucio Fulci’s done a couple of beauts. The eyeball gouging scene in Zombie is pretty gut-wrenching.

9. Have you ever hitchhiked? If yes, who picked you up?

I used to hitchhike all the time when I was younger. When I was in the Marine Corps, I could always count on catching a ride from the airport in Raleigh Durham to Camp Lejeune that way, and never had an issue. That being said, it’s not the sort of thing I would condone my kids doing, but that goes for a lot of the stuff I’ve done.

10. What’s your latest release? Describe it in one word, and give us that Amazon link already! 

My latest release is called Infernal Machines. If I have to describe it in one word, I’ll say “Firecracker.” 

Buy it on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Infernal-Machines-Vintage-Horror-ebook/dp/B00ARLD97S/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1358714874&sr=8-2&keywords=will+millar


Thank you, Will, for stopping by! 

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