Wednesday, April 10, 2013
This is the first installment of my horror movie review series, First Five Minutes. The deal is: I could only stand to watch the first five minutes, give or take, of these movies. So, they are not full reviews, and hell, some of these could be the best damn movies ever, after the first five minutes. If so, tell me. I'm aces at fast-forwarding. But you have to provide your residential address too, so I can haunt your life if you're wrong. First up, Silent Night (2012)
So, they went and did it again. Made a remake of a B horror movie from the eighties. Can't they just leave my lovable, furry B movies alone? They're never going to get it right. Now, I can't actually remember if I saw the original Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), but I must have, right? The video cover image was always so enticing: Santa's arm coming out of a snowy chimney, big shiny ax in hand.
Love it. But this cult classic may have eluded me for some reason...perhaps I was resistant to letting go of the Santa Claus I knew and loved?
The remake stars Jaime King, who has become a bit of a horror movie queen, (check out my Mother's Day Movie Review) but I daresay she's heading down the wrong path with this one. Silent Night opens with a screaming woman in lingerie, cut to electrocuted guy in tree lights, throw in a couple pervy Santas (and a priest), a painfully overacting Malcolm McDowell, odd crime-scene music (wait...am I watching Murder She Wrote?), nooooooooooooooo, stop!!! The wood chipper was pretty cool, though. Isn't it always? That scene's a bit further in, if you can stand it.
I like Jaime King. And the movie-poster art for this one is actually pretty decent, too. Otherwise, I suggest digging up the original to watch, which is what I'm going to do. Or better yet, how about reenacting the original? I'll bring the popcorn and the plastic tarps, but I can't promise I'll stay for more than five minutes.
Disclaimer: Is there a chance that some of the film grievances mentioned are throwbacks to the original? Yes, but I did read that this is a "loose" remake, so unlikely. But I'll let you know. Or, you can let me know.